Cheatin'

Ya, so I'm at andy l's house playin some guitar hero. His parents haveno idea that im here, which is a new thing for me... being heterosexual i figured i would make the joke that I am "cheatin'" hence the name of this post. The most interesting part of this post will simply be an update, concidering that i have nothing with me, and im not on my own computer. Andy was essentialy the reason why i had never told anyone about certian things in my life for fear that he wouldn't agree and thus "disown" me.... this has proven not true. I am rather happy about my current standing with the world, but i am in a bit of a quandry. I have people asking me what "yiff" or "furry" means this shows that people have some idea that im involved in this type of thing... however they have no idea what it means to be a furry. They then procede to ask about Saber, which is a problem. I feel like i can easily tell them a "shortened" version of what it means to be a furry, but then i would esential be betryaing Saber's trust. I dont want people to believe that the fandom is people who want to have sex with animals, although there are many furries who also indulge in beastiality, neither Saber or I do. My art has progressed a bit, and i am now doing concept sketches that lead to Jaska's backstory. I do most of them in school, which means that people see them, more questions. usualy by this point i have described anthropomorphics to them and they recognize anthros in my drawings... then they ask, "wait...." an exclimation with great hesitation "are you... a... furry... thing?" How does one respond to this after giving a quasi truncated and abreviated description of the fandom... my only responce is yes. thanks to the small size of my school at least twenty five percent found out that i was of this nature through my first week of being outed. but i should proly leave and ply some games...
till next time...

Liturature 1

What am I hiding?
What is it that, being so terrible
I have hid it from the light
upon its finding?
away have i hid it.
for so long
that the name, of such and artifact
has been lost.
we, as vessles of life
are defined by our secrets revealed,
Now i have hid my secret
and thus i have lost my name to night.

Alone i wander,
in the black dreamscape,
a prison to my soul,
so open and so empty,
it crushes me,
alone am i burried
in the lack of fellowship
covered in the nothingness
choked by the expance.
I am tourtured
Alone I wander,
nameless and without identity
My secrets lost to night.

This poem was written at 9:53 AM on 10-26-07. It was inspired by Nathanial Hawthorne's The Ministers Black Veil. I, in this poem, am expression the feelings of loss, and distance that was brought upon me. If you read any of my posts you will realize that I'm a different type of person, and there are things that i have hid from the world. I wrote this to express the way that if you hide that which defines you, you will become nothing, just a tool for the world to use. To loose ones personality, character, and to loose ones name is very difficult. and I am making reparations for this. For all my life i have been called Eric. quite possibly one of the most generic names possible. Now, however, I am taking my soul away from that name, and giving myself a name that belongs to me. I, from this day forth am Jaska. I have freed my soul and now my soul will retrieve its identity lost to night. Jaska is not my name, I am Jaska's soul.

tres

The folowing paragraph is a statement. a statement of my souls emancipation. I wrote it in haste, and have yet to disect fully what i have hidden in its lines. I know however, that in writing this i am releasing myself I have set myself free from the chains of fear and self consciousness. Those of you who know me, know that i am a furry, and also know that it has caused a great deal of problems in my relationships to old friends. I have been keeping this a secret for a long time, and i have been trying to hide it from myself for longer. Regardless of what is being said about me, behind or in front of me. I am done. I am through hiding, and this is my proclamation of freedom. Go ahead and read it.

Okay, heres the deal. I've been hiding something from those who are close to me for some time. I feel disconnected and separated because if it... and this week ends it, regardless of socio political ramifications. Many of you know what a furry is, and think they are "furfags" who should "yiff in hell". well now you know a furry. and you know it. I have been hiding this for years and I'm ending this NOW. i have always been afraid of what people would think, so i hid it. I've been in the proverbial closet about this. From the keyhole in the door to the closet i have seen the way many would treat me if they knew, and i feel like every breath i take is a blatant lie about who i am, what i am, and the way i see the world. I hid, still as could be, and yet some found out. so i adopted a circle, consisting of about three people who i feel i can speak freely to about this. unfortunately One of these people would potentially use it against me, and thus i was taken advantage of. I'm sick of living a lie, i have been dropping hint, and showing the word a glimpse of my true being, but most think I'm just odd. Its Over Now. Ive grown tired of feeling distant and unconnected. It tortures me day and night and i have the scars to show. Now i stand, revealed, without my black veil, without my mask, totally naked and true. Hear me now, you may hate this exposed side of my being, so be it. I simply cannot hid myself anymore. I am a furry, I am the zeta male. I hold my own beliefs, i am my own person and you are done keeping me down.

Now i am outed. I am hiding no more and I feel free. If there is one thing that can crush the soul that has been placed in my body, its being kept down by secrets. And now they're out. So feel free, as I am free, and i will feel this pain no longer.

Duo

Time flys by,
I stand Idly,
The wind urges me on,
I wait endlessly,
I can see you behind my veil of shame,
But never will you see me,
for time flys by,
and you follow it

My previous post was rather abstract, and incohesive but it will set the tone for my major beliefs. If I am completly honest, I would say that that last post was out of character, and poorly orchestrated. I simply needed to lay down what I believe, more to myself than anyone else. Much of my blog will likly be me trying to pick up the pieces of my life, in the aftermath of my first breath. As you can easily see, i am no poet, my words are stumbling and brash, but words I write are words i need to speak.
I am, as all who know me realize, consumed by music. I always have been,  but now i find myself faltering. I am taking in training in several fields living to the expectations of perfection in each by my parents. I am rather fryed trying to do this, and keep up all my grades. My parents are passive agressive, guiltripping fools who do nuthing but raise rebelion in my heart. Fortunatly i have found a release in music, a sort of santuary. I can feel complete when im playing any instrument, be it bass, guitar, or purcussion. unfortunatly im not playing an instrument when im speaking to themwhich makes me stressed and angry, and there is never enough time to play away my pain. I never know what my parents will think of my gradesomtines they get extremly pissed off at a "b-" but just yesterday i got a "c-" and they took my excuses!! this sort of unpredictability has me about to snap everytime I see them. All this is compounded with the stress from a social life at school, my grades, and trying to decide which instrument to devote the rest of my life to.
    BUUuuuuuUUUUuuuuuUT enough with my emonessess. I Just got a brand new amp and it cost me nuthing thousand dollars and nuthing cents. Its a Genz-Benz el diablo one hundred wat head with an old genz-benz cab i dont kno the name of the cab but is  a four ten inch speaker cabnet. Its wonderful, my bass teacher gave it to me, the head is on loan but the cab is officialy mine. heres a pic.

The new amp is the tall fourten on the left. My strat is next to it. the bass and bass cab to the left of it are mine and the fender hotrod delux and hamer daytona are my fathers. the rest is historicaly mine. Fortunatly my parents dont give a shit about how lowd i am in the bassment studio. Thats my music zone, the only thing that would make it better would be if i could be out in nature while playing.
    I feel tired tonite and will have a long day of practicing to do tomorrow so i leave you with a thought.
The spirit of death does not fight with the spirit of life, she provides for life, sustains life, and returns that life to the next.

unum

In A moment of inspiration, words are penned
Imperfect blank and meaningless,
Useless letters, abortive markings,
Fall upon the ears of the wind, unperceived until
The ears of the vigilant receive,
And in a moment of inspiration, words are penned.

Often times throughout our lives we can see that we are small. We can find that we as mortal beings are not as important as we once thought. We see life through the eyes of an outsider to humanity.
The significance of our lives fades into the background. From such a height we see that our lives are governed by the very thing we do our best to "conquer." The clouds roll in and we change our lives. The sun shines and we change our lives. The wrath of a storm kills, and the furry of the oceans drown. There is nothing for man to do to stop it. It is beautiful and terrible at once. To this divine power we are nothing, we have no reason to try to change anything, and at once in a flash of inspiration, we come to a realization. We do not inhabit or possess the earth; the earth owns and keeps us. A flash of inspiration and the rock candy melts, and we have naught but diamonds. We cannot look upon our lives and consider anything we do as a service to nature, we should see the very ground below us as a blessing from nature, a gift which could be taken in an instant from us. An entity this powerful intrigues man, who in turn will seek the source of the power and the face of the plight.
As we search we overlook the true identification of the power. We can see it the flashes of lightning. We can hear its voice in the wind upon the leaves. We can read its history in the branches of the willow. And we can feel its touch in the rain upon our faces.
Today I saw the powers divine beauty in a way I have never herd before. The great trees of my land are becoming cold,
They are loosing their tenacious grip on summer and the life of the sun. The many hands of the trees become weary and fall, blanketing the ground with a carpet of amber and yellow, awaiting the arrival of the march of the autumn spirit. So too will I wait for the march. When it comes I will follow it winding path through the creations.
Upon these thought a topic has been brought to my attention. It is with much apprehension that I bring this to the stage of written word. A young man by the name of Asa Coon has just open fired upon his schoolmates, then turning the gun to his own head, pulled the trigger. 'tis the season of death and now we are all mindful that death is around the corner, regardless of what shape or what body the spirit of death takes, she is always near, haunting everything that breaths and bringing sweet release to the soul of nature to those who have waited patiently.

With a final thought of our fragility I leave this post. Purely impersonal, and external, my thoughts expand from the ties that bind me to the earth.
Heed these words, and feel the wind upon your brow. Only then can we feel oneness with the power