Cheatin'

Ya, so I'm at andy l's house playin some guitar hero. His parents haveno idea that im here, which is a new thing for me... being heterosexual i figured i would make the joke that I am "cheatin'" hence the name of this post. The most interesting part of this post will simply be an update, concidering that i have nothing with me, and im not on my own computer. Andy was essentialy the reason why i had never told anyone about certian things in my life for fear that he wouldn't agree and thus "disown" me.... this has proven not true. I am rather happy about my current standing with the world, but i am in a bit of a quandry. I have people asking me what "yiff" or "furry" means this shows that people have some idea that im involved in this type of thing... however they have no idea what it means to be a furry. They then procede to ask about Saber, which is a problem. I feel like i can easily tell them a "shortened" version of what it means to be a furry, but then i would esential be betryaing Saber's trust. I dont want people to believe that the fandom is people who want to have sex with animals, although there are many furries who also indulge in beastiality, neither Saber or I do. My art has progressed a bit, and i am now doing concept sketches that lead to Jaska's backstory. I do most of them in school, which means that people see them, more questions. usualy by this point i have described anthropomorphics to them and they recognize anthros in my drawings... then they ask, "wait...." an exclimation with great hesitation "are you... a... furry... thing?" How does one respond to this after giving a quasi truncated and abreviated description of the fandom... my only responce is yes. thanks to the small size of my school at least twenty five percent found out that i was of this nature through my first week of being outed. but i should proly leave and ply some games...
till next time...

Liturature 1

What am I hiding?
What is it that, being so terrible
I have hid it from the light
upon its finding?
away have i hid it.
for so long
that the name, of such and artifact
has been lost.
we, as vessles of life
are defined by our secrets revealed,
Now i have hid my secret
and thus i have lost my name to night.

Alone i wander,
in the black dreamscape,
a prison to my soul,
so open and so empty,
it crushes me,
alone am i burried
in the lack of fellowship
covered in the nothingness
choked by the expance.
I am tourtured
Alone I wander,
nameless and without identity
My secrets lost to night.

This poem was written at 9:53 AM on 10-26-07. It was inspired by Nathanial Hawthorne's The Ministers Black Veil. I, in this poem, am expression the feelings of loss, and distance that was brought upon me. If you read any of my posts you will realize that I'm a different type of person, and there are things that i have hid from the world. I wrote this to express the way that if you hide that which defines you, you will become nothing, just a tool for the world to use. To loose ones personality, character, and to loose ones name is very difficult. and I am making reparations for this. For all my life i have been called Eric. quite possibly one of the most generic names possible. Now, however, I am taking my soul away from that name, and giving myself a name that belongs to me. I, from this day forth am Jaska. I have freed my soul and now my soul will retrieve its identity lost to night. Jaska is not my name, I am Jaska's soul.

tres

The folowing paragraph is a statement. a statement of my souls emancipation. I wrote it in haste, and have yet to disect fully what i have hidden in its lines. I know however, that in writing this i am releasing myself I have set myself free from the chains of fear and self consciousness. Those of you who know me, know that i am a furry, and also know that it has caused a great deal of problems in my relationships to old friends. I have been keeping this a secret for a long time, and i have been trying to hide it from myself for longer. Regardless of what is being said about me, behind or in front of me. I am done. I am through hiding, and this is my proclamation of freedom. Go ahead and read it.

Okay, heres the deal. I've been hiding something from those who are close to me for some time. I feel disconnected and separated because if it... and this week ends it, regardless of socio political ramifications. Many of you know what a furry is, and think they are "furfags" who should "yiff in hell". well now you know a furry. and you know it. I have been hiding this for years and I'm ending this NOW. i have always been afraid of what people would think, so i hid it. I've been in the proverbial closet about this. From the keyhole in the door to the closet i have seen the way many would treat me if they knew, and i feel like every breath i take is a blatant lie about who i am, what i am, and the way i see the world. I hid, still as could be, and yet some found out. so i adopted a circle, consisting of about three people who i feel i can speak freely to about this. unfortunately One of these people would potentially use it against me, and thus i was taken advantage of. I'm sick of living a lie, i have been dropping hint, and showing the word a glimpse of my true being, but most think I'm just odd. Its Over Now. Ive grown tired of feeling distant and unconnected. It tortures me day and night and i have the scars to show. Now i stand, revealed, without my black veil, without my mask, totally naked and true. Hear me now, you may hate this exposed side of my being, so be it. I simply cannot hid myself anymore. I am a furry, I am the zeta male. I hold my own beliefs, i am my own person and you are done keeping me down.

Now i am outed. I am hiding no more and I feel free. If there is one thing that can crush the soul that has been placed in my body, its being kept down by secrets. And now they're out. So feel free, as I am free, and i will feel this pain no longer.